2018-04-26 - I Don't Get It
| Title: I Don't Get It | |
|---|---|
| Summary: Mikoto struggles with hard questions about how to deal with her enemies, and despairs at the disconnect she feels with those around her. | |
| Who: | |
| Where: Ohtori - Dormitories | |
| OOC - IC Date: 2018-04-26 - 2015-04-13 | |
The sheets of the bed which Mai and Mikoto inevitably share are all messed up; Mikoto's been lying on them ever since she's gotten back from school, when the sun was still warm on her back. Now the moon hangs in the sky, illuminating the newly-blossomless branches of the sakura trees. Mai and Eri aren't here - right now, she's alone. A useless, shattered monster, someone who can't even fight to protect her friends. The moonlight makes her so miserable.
Dourly, she thinks of her resolution, staring at a curled hand. Her resolution to fight, as soon as she's well, to defeat Eri's enemies for their happy future. That crushing, guilty resolution, because Mikoto knows Mai doesn't want her to fight - and knows just as certainly that she must fight, because Eri loves her.
But Eri is sad. Eri is so sad, having killed Mami. Mikoto thinks she must be crying at night, all alone, though she's not sure why she's so thoroughly convinced. And Mikoto had been so sure, so sure, that if she just defeated everyone, everything could be normal again. That it could be better - that they could be better, in utter defiance of Utena's declaration. Girls instead of monsters.
Eri's words, yesterday, weigh on her so heavily now.
'Mikoto... defeating my enemies... will just bring me more enemies... and even if it doesn't... more will find me anyhow... Puella Magi are always being made... and they get scared... desperate... sad... they'll be my enemies just because I exist... and because they exist... just like witches...'
That alone cannot deter Mikoto. Even if the world becomes Eri's enemy, she will stand beside her - she must. She is an utterly determined creature. But -
'But... senpai wants to hope there can be something better for the two of us... even if we don't know what it is... and even if after we find it it only lasts... a little while... it'd be nice right? To have some of that... for a little while...'
- those words confuse her so much. She didn't understand them, when she heard them. She feels like she still doesn't. But, thinking about them, turning them over in her head thanks to that insufferable girl...
... could Eri have meant that there was a better world than fighting enemies for her? Could that be what she wants, right now? Could that be what she's hoping for?
Eri Shimanouchi, that precious, precious girl... she's so tired. And it seemed so easy, at first, to simply say that Mikoto would take care of it for her. Because she could. Because she's strong. Because she wouldn't cry. Because she has learnt her whole life how to destroy the enemy without hesitation or regret.
But would it only bring Eri more suffering, if she were to act?
'That's--that's not going to make your friends happy. No one would want their friends to hurt and kill for their happiness. I don't want mine to! You don't--you don't totally believe that. ...Do you?'
'... I do.'
'...I don't believe you, y'know? You look too angry for me to believe you. ...And I don't think your friends would believe you, either, if you told them why you'll do this.'
A snarl lifts the corners of her lips as Lera's words force themselves into her mind once more, bringing her to this topic again and again. It's so cruel. She hates it. She knows what her Lord Brother wants! And yet... and yet... her friends.
'...Eri had to leave, after what happened there. You...kept her safe the best way you could, and you didn't get anyone killed. You did well, Mikoto.'
The guilt crushes down, inexorable as the rest of her, and her expression collapses in the dark. Mai, and Eri, too... they're both yearning for a world without death, right now, aren't they? They weren't made for this. They're suffering...
Mikoto frowns, grasping briefly at something under her shirt. It doesn't make any sense. Enemies must be defeated. Maybe even Eri doesn't understand that, right now - because Eri started out as a normal girl, so unlike Mikoto, who has never known any life but serving the fight. Mikoto can do this for them, because she's the only one who can. She is a trained warrior, a honed edge.
... but, those feelings of a girl who was normal once... doesn't Mikoto want to protect them, too?
The enemies must be defeated. But... if she were to go out and fight as soon as she got better, while Eri was still so tired and sad... even if it was to protect her... would that be wrong? Would that hurt Eri more than it helped her? She doesn't know. She doesn't know!
Eri said being helpless while the people she loved fought would be terrible. She said she couldn't ask Mikoto to hurt more for her sake. Knowing that - wouldn't Eri be sad if Mikoto fought alone, too? Aren't they hunting partners, after all? Isn't Mikoto herself sad, thinking of Eri struggling on her own now Mikoto can't help?
Even though enemies must be destroyed... the solution isn't nearly as obvious as it should be. Mikoto isn't smart enough to figure this stuff out. She was never trained to make difficult decisions, like her Lord Brother. She was trained to fight. That's always been her role, and it's always been enough. It's not enough, now. She's not enough, now. Eri is suffering - and she must do something.
But what she can do... is fight. Both Mai and Eri told her she was worth more than her measure in battle, but it's so difficult to believe right now. What else can a monster like her possibly do, aside from just be there for them? She is such a harsh, sharp thing, designed to defeat the enemy. She doesn't know how to reconcile that terrible purpose with Eri's fragile hope and vast sorrow. If it were simple - she would destroy Eri's enemies, and Eri would be happy again. But that is the lesson the Shepherds have taught, all this time... the real world isn't simple.
She so desperately needs guidance. She was not designed for questions like this. She listens.
Mikoto stares at Mai's scattered items, abandoned on the mattress in the morning rush. A hairbrush, a round alarm clock... such normal things. Behind them, leaning against the wall, Mikoto's contribution to their aesthetic: Miroku's dark case. She does not see the cat toys, on their table. She does not see her textbooks. All those gold eyes capture are the weapon she is fashioned.
She looks at the contrast between those things, and she feels like such a miserable outsider. Eri is so worn, after killing their enemy. Mai is so relieved Mikoto failed to kill their enemies. They're both... so different to her. Tears sting at the corners of her eyes, entirely unbidden. She shakes her head, and turns her face into the bed.
"I don't get it," Mikoto mumbles, into the skewed pillow. "... don't get it at all."
