2022-09-23 - Doubts and a Leap of Faith
| Title: Doubts and a Leap of Faith | |
|---|---|
| Summary: Following the terrifying ordeal with Shadow Stern at the Dark Burger, Kyouka has much to reflect on. | |
| Who: | |
| Where: Okazaki Household (Shitamachi) | |
| OOC - IC Date: September 23, 2022 - Tuesday, January 12, 2016 | |
"Honey… wake up. Honey… Kyouka!"
Kyouka groaned softly as she was shaken awake, limply raising a hand to bat away the hand on her shoulder. "Nggh… 'm up, I'm up…." She blinked open her eyes, waiting until they found focus on her mother's tight, pensive features. "Mom? What's wrong?"
Yuki picked up Kyouka's cell phone from the couch to show her the screen. "Dear, it's 9 o'clock. You've been sleeping all evening."
That didn't make sense. It couldn't be 9 already, she'd set an alarm. Several, in fact, just in case. Her eyes drifted down from her mother's face to her phone screen. 9:03, and below it…
'Alarm Missed.' Several times.
Panic flooded through her veins as she struggled to push herself upright, trembling with the effort. "Oh crap, I'm sorry, I'll get started on dinner right after I take Wolfy out–"
Yuki put a gentle but firm hand on her shoulder and forced her to be still. "I already took Wolfy out for a walk, and I took care of both dinner and lunch for tomorrow, too. I'm more concerned about you. I tried to wake you earlier but you seemed so exhausted you couldn't open your eyes. Are you okay?"
There was a moment of resistance, of trying to rise, but the panic faded just as quickly as it had come, and the momentary burst of strength with it. Kyouka slumped against the couch again, letting her head lay back. "Yeah, I'm… I'm fine. Just…. tired."
"'Tired'?" asked Yuki with a raise of her eyebrow. "Honey, you slept through three alarms and dinner. You never miss a meal."
Kyouka cringed. It had taken her a moment, but the details were flooding back to her now.
If she couldn't explain the ogre, how could she even hope to explain the terrifying power of Shadow Stern?
She wasn't sure she understood it herself.
It was so hard to put two thoughts together. All she wanted to do right now was sleep. "Yeah, I'm just… I overdid it a little in track today, that's all."
Yuki raised an eyebrow. "A little? Do you want to try that again?"
Dammit. "Annnd I went to a fast food restaurant after with some friends. I was hungry from practice so I ordered too much food. It was just… way too greasy and didn't sit well with me." Kyouka closed her eyes, desperately hoping she'd buy that explanation.
The older woman crossed her arms. "And pushing yourself too hard in track… this wouldn't have anything to do with your extra nighttime training sessions, would it?"
Kyouka's eyes snapped open. "Wha– No! I'm not–"
Crap. The nighttime sessions were for magic, not track, but she couldn't explain that. Even so, she'd overplayed her denial. Her mother's face was deeping into an all-too-familiar frown.
But that reaction softed as Yuki sat down next to Kyouka and placed a hand gently on her shoulder. "Look, Kyouka. I know you've been working hard trying to make this work. You're trying to adjust to a new environment, make friends, keep up your training, and help keep the house running. I've noticed everything you've been doing and I appreciate it all, but it's not a problem if you can't handle–"
"I can handle it!" Kyouka didn't quite have the strength to snap, but she felt the edge in her voice–and she saw the hurt reaction in her mother's eyes. "Sorry," she quickly added. She closed her eyes again. "I just… I really want this to work. You and Dad are giving up so much for me, it's not fair if I don't–"
"Shh," shushed Yuki gently, giving her daughter's shoulder a squeeze. "You don't have to be responsible for looking out for adults, okay? Parents make sacrifices for their children's happiness, it comes with the job. I know you've always been…" Yuki paused to consider her choice of words.
"Stubborn?" offered Kyouka.
"Independent," corrected Yuki. "But it's not a shame to ask for help. You don't have to shoulder everything yourself, okay?"
Kyouka nodded weakly. "Yeah, I know."
Another shoulder squeeze. "Look, just… promise me you'll take it easy for a few days, okay? Give yourself a break from the extra training sessions until you've recovered. I don't want you burning out."
"I will, Mom. Promise."
Somehow she'd gotten some food into her–she never finished her meal at Dark Burger, and she was in that curious state of being both ravenously hungry and too tired to eat. Then she'd made it upstairs, somehow, and gotten dressed for bed.
And… she couldn't sleep. The combination of her impromptu nap and the meal had revitalized her enough to lay awake in bed, constantly replaying the events of the afternoon in her head. Going over every decision, attack, counterattack, and motion.
She had made several tactical errors in the fight–but those she could fix with practice and drills. She needed to truly integrate her magic into her fighting style so she wouldn't have to think as much in order to make her decisions.
The parts about panicking when faced with such overwhelming force, though…
"You gotta end it now! It's getting too hard!"
Fear could be debilitating, but it could also keep you alive. The best thing to do was manage it. Practice would help, but for it to be effective, it had to be at or at least near the level of the challenge she was practicing for…
But Shadow Stern's power had been at a whole nother level than she could have comprehended before.
She wasn't at all sure she would ever be able to rise up to that level the next time they crossed paths.
But even so…
"Most mages never even reach the level you are right now."
While Shadow Stern had wielded an almost incomprehensible amount of strength, her own strength in that battle had been just as foreign and alien to her. She weakly lifted her right hand into the air, clenching it into a fist like she had when she had unleashed Shining Moonlight Strike.
She had sensed the truth of Fate's words, felt that great flame burning inside her, but she hadn't believed it fully until that fateful moment–not until her need had become so great that she had finally opened herself, truly opened herself, to the possibilities.
Until she'd taken that desperate leap of faith to protect her friends.
But in taking that leap of faith, she had overextended herself. Faced with the panic-inducing power of Shadow Stern, fueled by the adrenaline surging through her body, by her desperation and inexperience, she had drawn far too much far too fast.
Physically her body was fine, thanks to Strike Wolf's tireless efforts during the battle and the healing received at Yagami House afterwards, but she was bordering on severe mana exhaustion. Her price to pay for recklessly drawing too much power, not that she'd had any choice. She'd been instructed not to use any magic for a few days, until her body had a chance to replenish its reserves.
She wasn't sure what felt worse. The utterly crushing exhaustion that came with recklessly expelling every bit of magical strength she could muster, or the stinging realization that it still hadn't been enough.
<Don't hold back.>
She wasn't the only one suffering that day. Around her upraised wrist, Strike Wolf sat in his standby form. His gem was whole now, their link thankfully reestablished.
She closed her eyes and let her hand drop so that Strike Wolf was positioned right over her chest. Just like before when…
Kyouka sat stock still in the Yagamis' house, right wrist clutched tightly to her chest, her left hand gently, delicately placed over Strike Wolf, desperately trying to keep all of his pieces together long enough for the repairs to be done.
If they could be done.
Strike Wolf was incomplete. Kyouka had learned that the day she rescued him, that there was supposed to be so much more to him that hadn't been installed yet. He was, miraculously, still functional enough for them to work together, to unleash Shining Moonlight Strike, but…
The clash had been hard on him. She could feel the deep gashes in his normally smooth and unblemished surface. Sharp edges pricked at the skin of her palm and fingers but she held tightly regardless. The warmth that normally pulsed gently from within his depths was startlingly absent, and with it, the connection they had shared together ever since they had forged their bond.
It felt like the warmth had drained from her body too, cold clammy hands clutching at her heart and squeezing tight. She barely had her own heat, the fire in her chest just a few flickering embers now. How she wished she could share them with Strike Wolf.
A dim thought surfaced in the back of her mind that this was just shock, an after effect of the extreme amounts of adrenaline wearing off, but… she knew she wouldn't feel right again until Strike Wolf was whole. He'd become such a part of her…
Her eyes were pointed at the floor, but her stare was a thousand miles away.
It took several calls of her name and a gentle hand on her shoulder to get her attention. She blinked, looked up, stared uncomprehending at Lindy and Hayate for a moment before they gently reminded her that it was Strike Wolf's turn.
"Oh, right." Kyouka took a deep breath and, with trembling hands, slowly undid the buckle of the leather bracelet and handed the device to Lindy. "P-please be careful…" she said in a voice barely above a whisper.
Handing Strike Wolf over had been its own tiny little leap of faith.
Her eyes were already stinging as she watched the process intently. Surface damage first, then the internals. If either of them noticed Strike Wolf's peculiarity, she didn't know.
Then Lindy was handing Strike Wolf back. Kyouka's hands still shook as she accepted the device. She clutched him tightly to her chest as she whispered the instructions to activate him. Held an oh-so-tense breath as she waited…
Connection. She felt the hope starting to swell in her chest, but kept it in check. There was one more important test.
"Strike Wolf, do you remember me?"
There was an interminably long silence, but finally a pleasant chime sounded before Strike Wolf spoke. <Affirmative. You are my partner, Kyouka Okazaki.>
The relief and hope she'd been holding in check burst, tears streaming down her face as she clutched Strike Wolf even tighter. "I'm so glad you're okay, buddy." She wanted to jump up and hug Lindy and Hayate, but her utter exhaustion kept her rooted in her chair. Instead she gave the deepest bow she could manage while profusely expressing her thanks.
Kyouka opened her eyes again to look up at the ceiling. In the quietest voice she could manage, she asked, "Strike Wolf, are you awake?"
The reply was almost immediate. <Affirmative.>
She smiled. She knew he was alive and operational, through their link, but it was nice to have the confirmation. "I was so scared I'd lost you, buddy." Then the smile faded from her face as she continued. "I don't think our current plan to find your creator is working. We've been all over the city without any luck… I think we need to ask for more help. What do you think?"
There was a moment of processing, and then Strike Wolf said, <I concur.>
"I think we can trust the others with the details, but… I'll talk to Fate first to see what she thinks."
Fate…
She'd known, from their first meeting, that something messed up had to have happened to that kid. The eyes that had greeted her in their first encounter, on a kid that young…
They were honestly kind of chilling, once you stopped to think about the implications. Combined with the way she expertly and unflinchingly wielded that polearm of hers, it stoked an anger in her heart even as it sparked legitimate fears for her own safety.
And now… well… she had a piece of the puzzle. She didn't know what it meant, but she'd seen the face of their attacker–no, the victim being puppeted by Shadow Stern–and could only ponder what it meant. Older sister? Perhaps. Mother? No, much too young for that, she hoped. Some kind of clone? Future time-traveling version? A version from an alternate dimension?
With magic, she honestly had no clue what was possible.
She'd wanted to ask about it, but… it seemed better at the moment to give Fate some space. Kyouka had summoned enough energy to very firmly tell Fate to call her if she needed anything before they had all dispersed for the afternoon. So hopefully… that was enough of an invitation.
She really hoped Fate would reach out. To explain, to tell her how she could help. Not just because she wanted to see justice done to Jail Scaglietti and Shadow Stern, but because… She liked the kid.
No, that wasn't quite right. She also wanted… to protect Fate. Despite the difference in their skill levels.
That still felt lacking, but… she didn't have the right word yet for how she felt.
When her guard had been let down, and she'd smiled, showed mith, offered her assistance with training, discussed just how seriously she took her training despite her already considerable skill, offered her patience and encouragement in her own development… There was a lot that resonated with her.
But if she was going to have any hope of protecting Fate, or protecting any of their friends from the next attack, she had to get stronger.
"We have - hardly but met - but I trust you will comport yourself well, in the face of this provocation!"
Was that the extension of trust? A challenge for her to meet? There was a part of her that felt like ske kad utterly failed in either respect, despite rising to such new heights in the midst of that fight.
It stung. She was used to setting challenges for herself, and then meeting or exceeding them, of rising to challenges posed to her by others, either implicitly or explicitly. Constantly proving herself, again and again, everywhere she moved.
Intellectually, she knew that was stupid. That it wasn't how friendship worked. But that did little to soothe the aching, leaden feeling in her stomach. She'd risen so high, and yet… it hadn't been enough. Would it ever be enough?
Would Strike Wolf withstand the next challenge if he couldn't get help?
No, she had to stop thinking in those terms. Fate had told her again, and again that it was okay if she was a novice. That she was not, in fact, a liability. And Setsuna…
"If you're feeling alone right now, and afraid, or isolated... I want to help."
Setsuna had reached out to her when she was at her most isolated. Extended a hand to a stranger she thought was either magical, or in magical trouble. And when Shadow Stern had appeared, Setsuna–or rather, Cure Passion–had wordlessly moved to stand in front of her, to protect her.
Neither of them had demanded anything of her in return. None of them had.
She'd regarded Setsuna with so much wariness, and it had been prudent at the time, but now she was regretting it. That was one of the reasons she had jumped at the invitation from Setsuna. She'd wanted a chance to catch up with her, to wholeheartedly reciprocate the offered friendship now that she was ready for it.
She really ought to make the first move this time. Maybe she could talk to her at school tomorrow and invite her over to hang out…
"There's a lot of us out there who're good guys though, so don't worry about being alone. …we're all in this together."
There was a spark of warmth growing in the leaden pit of her stomach, and she latched onto it for dear life.
No matter what had happened that day, she had been invited to the Dark Burger. Hayate was about to welcome her when Shadow Stern attacked–or at least, that's what it had felt like, thinking back on the moment. And in the aftermath, when they had called on Lindy Harlowne for assistance with evacuating the battle participants…
She'd been included in their number. With no questions asked. They had included her just as readily as anyone else among them, welcomed her to Yagami House, tended her wounds, and repaired Strike Wolf.
She was part of their group now. She could believe that, if she let herself. If she was willing to take that last little leap of faith.
During the fight, Fate had heard everyone's wishes, and made one of her own. Kyouka had been fighting for a wish, too.
It was her oldest wish–the only wish.
She'd had a taste of it, an oh so brief taste, in the Dark Burger, listening to the conversations around her, wanting to join in, but being afraid to, yet feeling like she could, without repercussions, if she had just dared… She'd wanted so desperately to have her own place there, to be more than Setsuna's tag-along friend, or an ally of convenience, but to just…
… have a place where she belonged.
As Kyouka closed her eyes, she let that growing warmth sooth her aches and ease her mind, making plans for tomorrow even as exhaustion finally caught up to her…
She lept, and let sleep overtake her.
